The threads that pull me apart

Being heart-centered in a cruel, thoughtless world

I have a secret - I’m not as put together as I seem. I don’t make much money, am still paying off student loan debt, am terrified of being found out as some imposter with every small error in judgment, jealous of professionals doing similar work to me. I’m a mess most days - I just don’t have a space I feel safe enough to admit it.

Once upon a time, I was bold enough to back up my words with deep research and cunning arguments. Now, the passion withers on the vine before I can harvest it and produce the magic exilir that can change hearts and minds. I spend most of my day fighting for control of my attention span. Each day delivers ten terrible new things that light up a new danger zone on a radar I hoped humanity would never have to use.

Like many of you, I have started fizzling out. My body is too exhausted for the ambitions I had in November or even January. We knew it was going to be bad…but damn. It feels like walking through quicksand to get anything accomplished on time, but even harder not to let the confusion, fear, and disorientation unnerve me.

Let the following be my Radical Reflections confessional for this month (only for paid members, sorry!)